photo: jesse leakeBe forewarned that this is not one of my romanticallyinspiring postings!
I recently met with a couple who is having a cross-cultural,inter-faith ceremony. I was impressed byhow articulate they were in sharing their dream for the ceremony andcelebration. They readily admitted thatthey’ve done a lot of talking and have had some hard conversations.
After they left, I flashed on a former bride of minewho I ran into last month. Anna (yes,name changed!) was strolling her six-month old daughter. Sadly, she told me that she and Jeff weredivorcing after just a couple of years being married. Things had been rocky from the start as Jeffdidn’t like to talk about anything important. And when they did have that rare talk, he’d end up screaming andstorming off.
Anna thought that having a baby would bring themcloser (no comment). The baby didn’tsince a baby doesn’t have that kind of power. And besides, it wasn’t until the baby was born that Jeff told her hedidn’t want children! So, here’s the thing. . .if you and your partner havealready established your relationship in the habits of solid conversation, thenthat will go a long way to help you navigate the demands of your wedding planning. If, though, you’ve gotten into habits of nottalking, face-to-face without distractions, then you really are going toexperience stress.
Sometimes, a couple argues about decisions they haveto make, other times about things said and done that one of them is offendedby. Over time, the arguing takes on alife of its own and all the couple really does is talk at each other.
How you communicate directly affects yoursanity—individually and as a couple. Ifyou’re caught up in an endless cycle of arguing, then the only way to break thecycle is to talk about how you talkto each other.
The cycle of arguing will only be broken if you takeeach other’s hand, step out of the vicious circle, and take a look at whyyou’re repeating the same conversation over and over and over, no matter whatthe issue.
SANITY SAVERQuestions:· Is there aconversation you know you should have and are afraid to have?· What are you afraid willhappen if you talk about the issue?· What are you afraid willhappen if you do not talk about the issue?· What would you like to seehappen differently?
Most people think the other person is to blame for theproblem. Drop the blame game. As the cliché goes, it takes two to tango.
If you want to see you and your partner talk in adifferent way to each other, ask for your partner’s help. At a time when you’re not sniping at eachother, tell your partner that you want to discuss how the two of you handletough topics.
Try something like this:Whenever we talk aboutfinances, it seems we end up arguing. Iget frustrated when you say ‘no’ to something I suggest and then you end theconversation. Sure, I’d want you to say‘yes’ and as much as I hate to admit it, I know that ‘yes’ can’t always be theanswer. It’s when you shut down, end theconversation, and refuse to talk about the issue that I feel disrespected andfeel that you’re not treating me like a partner. I don’t know what’s going on inside that headof yours. I want to discuss money in away where we don’t end up mad at each other. Let’s figure out something new here.
As a couple, you’re going to break old dance stepsthat don’t work for you when you say out loud—this isn’t working, so let’s do something different
I know that this does not come naturally. It takes practice. It demands that you together want to create amore honest way of talking to each other.
Your attitude will determine everything. Lose the anger. Put aside the judgment. Accept that a tough conversation is a messygive-n-take. That’s what dialogue is allabout.
I’m sure you can come up with a bunch of reasons forwhy this will not work. But, hey, if theway you’re communicating now is not working for you, why not try something new?
And if you’re afraid of what your partner’s reactionmight be, then I urge you to think about why you’re marrying someone you’reafraid of!
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