In her book, FOR BETTER, Tara Parker-Pope, blogger for The New York Times WellSection, offers what I think is a critical insight into successful arguing.
She writes that marriage studiesshow that one of the main differences between a good fight and a bad fight iswhether it begins with a complaint or a criticism. For example, "I wish you went with me to see morevendors" (complaint) versus "Younever show any interest in planning this wedding. What's wrong with you?"(criticism).
The difference between a complaintand a criticism is often subtle, but the results are dramatic.
Criticizing and attacking yourpartner will only make them defensive. In turn, they’ll either shut-down or lash out.
A complaint lets your partner knowhow you feel as a result of the upsetting or disappointing behavior.
Of course, since 80% of what we payattention to is the non-verbal (tone of voice and facial expression) and only20% of what we pay attention to is the verbal, you want to make sure thatyou’re not yelling or using the tone of voice you’d take with a disobedientchild!
Think back on your last argument––did it begin with one of youcriticizing the other? Were you upsetmore with what your partner said or with how he or she said it?
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