As It Turns Out. . .

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photo: jesse leake
I recently met with a couple tofinalize their ceremony.  When I askedhow they were, Leslie sighed, “we were somuch happier when we first me.  I didn’tknow people had an emotional involvement with food.”
I explained to Leslie and Marcus(groom) that people normally don’t have an emotional involvement withfood.  However, family and friendsdevelop emotional involvements with all sorts of odd things soon after a coupleannounces they’re getting married!
Parents can often make demands thatare not just unreasonable, but are disconcertingly odd.  A bride told me that her father threatenednot to walk her down the aisle because she’s not having a Catholic wedding. Whatmakes it odd is that her father has been divorced three times!
Then there’s the politics of theguest list.  There are people who want tobring children, even though they know it’s an “adult only” wedding; people whowant to bring a date or their mother, even though they know the list islimited; and then there are parents who want to invite business associates whomyou haven’t seen since you were in diapers.
While I’d need a book to explain howyou can deal tactfully with such people and situations, for now, here’s a tricktaken from the Apple Store.
Apple employees are instructed toavoid using the phrase, “unfortunately,we don’t have” or “I can’t,”etc.  Instead, they’re told to use the phrase,“asit turns out. . .”  So, insteadof saying, “unfortunately, we can’t fixyour laptop today,” they’ll say, “asit turns out, we can get your laptop back to you on Friday.”
While this is a subtle turn ofphrase, I think it’s effective because it blunts the impact of a “no” or itsequivalent.
When you have to tell someone “no”and inform them that you’re going a different route, try saying, “I appreciate your suggestion; as it turnsout, Brad and I have decided. . .” If they push back (and most likely will), say something like, “yes, Iunderstand, and while I like your idea, as it turns out Brad and I have decidedto go a different route with this.”
Be firm.  Tone of voice and facial expression must bothmatch.  Presume the best of people.  Don’t get into a heated argument, as youwon’t win. 
Remember, you owe no one an apology for doing your wedding yourway.  Nor do you owe people a PowerPointexplanation for why you want to do things your way!