The Couple I Refused To Marry

photo: meg smithSimon and Jacqui were a “nice” couplewho happen to be one of a handful of couples whose wedding I declined toofficiate.  I actually don’t say “yes” toevery couple that asks me to celebrate their ceremony.  While I’m not able to predict if a couple willlive happily ever after, I need to have a gut feeling that they have what ittakes.
Jacqui and Simon had been togetherfor ten years.  Within minutes of ourmeeting, Jacqui told me that she had sacrificed her life for Simon.  She gave up plans for grad school so as towork and put him through law school.  Shehelped him pay off his student loans and she moved around to three differentstates for him.
She said that now it was herturn—she wanted a wedding and he “owed” her. 
Simon had taken the Bar exam andwas waiting to hear the results.  Sincehe’d reached his goal and Jacqui no longer needed to sacrifice for him, I askedhim if was prepared to sacrifice for her. He looked at me blankly. Huh?  Again, I asked what was heprepared to do to help her reach her dreams. He was stumped, as he’d never thought of it quite that way.
I’m not a psychologist or amarriage therapist.  I am, though, acommunications coach and it was alarmingly evident that Simon & Jacqui hadnot had the hard conversations that were needed before getting married.
Jacqui presented herself as amartyr for their love.  Generous?  Yes and also drastic as she sacrificedwithout any planning for her own future. Simon wasn’t able to tell me what Jacqui’s dreams were because theyhadn’t talked about her dreams.
That Jacqui felt entitled to afancy wedding because she sacrificed for him, puts an odd spin on theirwedding.  A wedding is a couple’scelebration and not the bride’s coronation! 
Planning a wedding with atit-for-tat mentality is simply not healthy as it’s petty and rife withopportunities for passive-aggressive acts.
I declined to officiate theirwedding because I didn’t understand the vision they had for their lifetogether.  It seemed more a transactionthan a sacred commitment (sacred in the sense that when two people give theirword to each other, that act is bigger than just the two of them).
So, what is your vision for yourgreat day?  For your life together?  If you don’t have a shared vision, then whatdo you have?!